What love is

Love is probably one of the most written subjects in the entire human world. Every human being wants, yearns for, fights for whatever love is. But not all of us really know what love is. So...this is definitely a very dangerous subject to blog about. But that is what my head and my heart combined want to explore, or have been wanting to explore these last few days.

Last week I had a difficult moment when my heart went out of sync and started to race crazily, to the point that I had to lie down as it was beginning to hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack, as I laid down on my sofa and so I started to breathe lightly trying to induce my heart to go slow again, to remain calm and quieter, but it didn't. After 15 minutes of such racing I was beginning to worry. I was not afraid but the thought that I might be dying did cross my unquiet mind, as I continued to teach my heart to be more docile. Just one week before, I had lost one of my best friends to a sudden heart attack - Mary Gaskill - and I had been dealing with my grief for that loss, which was not an easy one, as her departure was sudden and unexpected by all who knew her. So...while my heart galloped with abandon it did come to me as a revelation that even though I was not afraid, yet I was not ready to die either. I thought mainly of my little grandson who is almost 4-years-old and also of my daughter, his mother. How could I leave them? And that was when the subject of love really came to me. I love them! I could not leave them because I do want to love them continuously, while I can, while I am alive on this earth. Therefore, there I sent an ultimatum to my heart that it could not fail me! I asked the only person who was there with me, my friend Jude, to call 911. She was very concerned with my situation because she had just lost her own mother as well. She had lost part of her heart! And I realized that I also love Jude, the same way I love Mary still, even though Mary has ascended and is no longer among us in her physical form. Life is a gigantic webb of love! And Love is just one type of feeling that cannot be measured - I realize it is absurd to say "I love this person more than the other". One may think so because one is closer to the heart, is your family, is your lover, and so forth. But the threads of love are equally both thin and strong. I realized that when I read, in an e-mail sent by a daughter, that her mother - my friend Mary - had died. The shock, the disbelief, the hurt was tremendously painful. I started whispering, with a horse voice, "no, no, no" and the NO started to gain momentum and power, until I was screaming. Suddenly there was a void in my world where Mary used to be.

For love is this amazing strong and frail webb that ties all of us together, no matter where we are and what we do. When a friend stops loving us, for whatever reason, through death or through life, the whole webb is transformed, it is absurdly impacted, as if a huge wave of a distant ocean finally reached us and tore down everything. The loss of love is a Tsunami of the heart. It impacts us forever, even when we say casually "oh no, it didn't matter, we were not that close after all..." The tragedy of the loss is the same. I know it because about 10 years ago a woman I considered a close friend, a sister, someone I loved, tore down the fabric of our love with mistrust towards me,

throwing me away from her home and her heart. That loss created a tremendous gap in the garment that covered my life, my dreams, my heart! Since then I never heard from her again, it was as if she or I, or both of us, had died, disappeared from the face of the earth. Whenever I talked to other friends about what had happened they tried to ease my pain by saying "forget her, she doesn't deserve your love!" And they also took sides saying how wrong she had been to treat me that way. That torn page of my life was never put together again, in fact there is probably no way to repair the damage,

but my heart still feels the gnash, the tremendous whole that took over what before had been a page of loving sentiments towards one another. That kind of brutal rupture happens all over the world, among people of all ages, all backgrounds, all races, all expectations toward love.

And yet we go on. We march on toward our own demise, our definitive good-bye to all the people who love us, whether they are near or far, whether they remember us or not. We do that because there is not other way! Some people say "it is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all." Yes it is true, for the experience of loving first ourselves and then a whole group of other selves is notoriously a very joyful one, it evokes in us the desire to go on living - like I did when I experienced my chest pains - it makes us shine with the first and the last sunshine rays, it gives us hope, courage, trust, happiness. But the loss of love is also terrifying, it pushes us to question ourselves, our motives, our belief systems, our very selves. It brings us face to face with our own beings, with the love we have to nourish first and forever for ourselves. Because, after all, we are the ones doing the narrative of our lives, we are the ones nourishing these feelings, we are the ones caring for our own hearts. We cannot survive without ourselves! After all, all love is truly eternal, especially the one we have for our very selves...

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© 2019 Clarice Mota